Reflections on a plane: Learning to wait
Waiting. The word is painful. In my soul that word embodies the very essence of helplessness. My instinct is to find something to DO WHILE I WAIT. Ask anyone who has tried to watch television with me and they will tell you that I am a bonafide multi-tasker. I believe mindless tasks (which I consider doing the dishes, folding laundry, cleaning, etc.) should be accompanied with a phone call, an audiobook, sermon or something productive. I routinely clean out my email inbox in waiting rooms and long lines.
While there are many factors that contribute to this, such as being in fast paced, commercial-oriented, microwave culture; I have realized that it is fundamentally a heart problem. Unless I’m being productive I feel restless. Digging deeper, underneath the feeling of restlessness, when I’m not feeling productive, I am ultimately feeling useless.
Behind my intolerance for waiting, lies a need to be in control, a need to make things happen. I often get asked in regards to our adoption (and just as often ask the same question to myself) “So what’s next?” Often the words that should come out of my mouth are “well, right now we just have to wait.” That’s not good enough for me. I feel like I should be doing something. But sometimes there’s nothing to be done but wait. Wait for paperwork. Wait for people. Wait for signatures. Wait for God. Wait for HIS TIMING. If I probe further into my heart and it’s recoiling of the concept of waiting, I find a fear wrapped up in my doing and going and busyness. I find a fear of trusting God. It sounds so elementary, but it’s true. If I really trusted God and His timing would I be so anxious in those moments when there’s nothing to do but wait? If I really trusted God in the big and little moments of my day, finding my identity and value in Him, would I constantly live under this pressure to be productive? Would I find more grace to simply BE?
Lord, may I learn to not only wait with patience, but embrace those times when you sovereignly bring my overly anxious spirit to a halt to sit with you and remember who YOU are and who I am because of you.
Reflections applied to real life moments: Seizing the Season
These are my reflections from the plane ride back home, after a few days of letting my heart soak in the truth the Lord showed me about my heart hating to wait. This is a snap shot of what application in the moment when my heart gets restless:
As I sit here, flying hand in hand with my husband, my eyes are drawn to the the tiny window and the millions of sparkling lights miles beneath us. It’s beautiful. A precious moment of quiet, calm and togetherness. A moment of contentment.
To my right sits a beautiful little girl, snuggling up next to her momma. While she’s nothing like the little guy we hope to one day bring home, it makes my heart long for our little guy to be here with us. It is in these moments my heart is tempted to be impatient and I find a battle of the wills deep within my soul. I have to choose to remind myself that the Lord’s timing is perfect. Profoundly perfect. So I quiet my anxious heart and whisper that these days we have left as just the two of us are precious. They are a gift to be treasured, enjoyed and appreciated. I don’t want to waste these moments of getting to sit and snuggle my hubby on a plane because soon, these flights will be spent with a child between us, and then 2 or 3 between us, and Lord willing, before long we will be strategizing who sits in what row with who! ;)
But until that day comes when there is a child between us, snuggling up close I will embrace and enjoy these remaining days of us.