When will I learn...

For as long as I can remember, I have always been slightly jealous of the other members of my family.  You see, I am the only one in my family who has been relatively "healthy" my entire life.  I've never had a broken neck, a rare blood disorder, or a clot in my eye causing me to go blind. I didn't enter Kindergarten with a neck brace.  I've never been under anesthesia, had a cast, had to take medication, been hospitalized or gotten "get well soon" cards. I should be very thankful. Deep down somewhere, I know I am. However, all those things I listed above, they are a short laundry list of what has happened to my family.  And as the oldest of 6, I spent much of my time taking care of those who weren't ill.  My life has been significantly impacted by family members family "being sick".  So, I think that's why I can remember at different points in life wanting to be the "sick" one. I wanted to be the one getting taken care of instead doing all the caring for.  


Last week I got my wisdom teeth out.  Now, while this in no way compares to any significant illness or as we joke in my family, doesn't "count" because it's not a broken neck which is the standard of pain for something to be legit in my home of origin, it has been far from a pleasant experience.  I was told I would be under a conscious sedation which meant I would still be "awake" but not feel a thing and be "very, very happy" when I left (yes, that was a direct quote that I will be discussing with my dr. at my follow up appointment along with my concern with his false advertisement).  I would say I was more on the conscious then the sedated side of things and I was nowhere near "very, very happy" when I left. More like tearful and terrified. My road to recovery has not been nearly as swift as I anticipated. 


There is a point. And no, it's not an invitation to join me in my pity party. Around 11pm tonight my mouth began throbbing like I have yet to feel. I had saved one last precious prescribed pain pill for such a time as this and promptly took it ( I told you I've never been in any real physical pain right...say hello to my sidekick subconscious, Whimpy, whom I've learned does not like any slight indication of oncoming pain!) Well, the precious white pill didn't touch the throbbing so I lay there icing my face, listening to my sweet husband drift soundly off to sleep.  That was hours ago. Here I am. Awake.  Still throbbing and counting down the hours till my Dr. arrives at work at 8:30 and turns his office lights on to find me broken in to his waiting room. 

At 4:30am I finally surrendered my attempt at sleep, grabbed a big bowl of ice cream and sat in my home away from home this week (my husband's beloved recliner, thanks honey, for sharing). It was then the Lord gently prodded my heart. In the quiet stillness of the early morning hours, the Lord had my attention. 

It's been a little crazy here at the McCallister home. We're in the middle of some transitions. This Friday is my last day at my full time job and next Saturday is our largest fundraiser yet, our Silent Auction. We decided to knock down our front steps and build a front porch two weekends ago (excellent timing is our speciality).  Oh, and did I mention, we're adopting. (Wow, I get more sassy without sleep).  Those are just the highlights, but it's been a little hectic and unfortunately, the first thing to get omitted from my schedule was my time with the Lord. Or so I thought.

What the Lord has been revealing to me is that it was never really about my scheduled in time with the Lord. It was about my heart.  It's always been about my heart. You see, when we started this adoption journey it was clearly not of our own doing.   We didn't conjure up this great plan, search the world for the perfect kid, get all our t's crossed and i's dotted.  We by no means had this whole thing figured out. We readily recognized that we were being called to walk by faith, just as we have always been, and that meant this part of our story looked different then we anticipated.  We had been re-directed and were choosing to walk in faith and humility, knowing that we needed Jesus for each step of the way and to show us what to do next.  

The journey started by faith but quickly began being walked by works. Meaning, there's a lot to DO for an adoption. Currently, we are facing heaps of paperwork and equal heaps of money to be paid. Meek and I are good at doing. So we got busy planning and working and doing, all the while our hearts slowly shifting towards finding our confidence and trust in our own ability to make things happen. It was a slow and silent fade into self reliance, but it had huge implications on our hearts, our stress, our priorities, our perspectives... we began this journey by faith but did not continue to walk in faith.  Oh, what a difficult thing to maintain this faith business! 

We've been stressing about this silent auction like you wouldn't believe. Well, if you've know me you'd probably believe it. We have a long list of projects to finish that we were excited about doing at first. Now they are taunting and teasing us as the hours dwindle away. Then we started stressing about who is coming. What if no one comes. What if no one RSVP's and then lots of people come. What if it rains (oh yeah, can you pray for that... you'd think that woulda been good reminder that I'm not in control and a good time to pause and pray... wow, when will I learn...) The what if game has kept me up and anxious for many nights now. My mind won't shut off until I got up, made more lists and then crossed more things off my list so I felt better about all the things I can control and DO and ARE WE SEEING A PATTERN HERE!? I have issues! 

It took a night of throbbing mouth pain to get my butt out of bed and sitting quietly before the Lord to hear him gently speak truth into my life and into my restless heart. WALK BY FAITH. The LORD will provide. It's not up to me. It's not up to Meek. It's not up to anyone else to make this thing happen.  This is the Lord's story and He is faithfully penning each word to each sentence, completing the chapters in HIS perfect time. And me. I'm supposed to stop being Martha, running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make God's plans happen my way.

Yes, there is a lot to do.  And yes, we need your help. But above, around, in, and through what you and I DO, we NEED the LORD. We need to come from a place of dependence and of humble repentance.  We need to continue the journey walking by faith and not by sight.  Hmm, that sounds like it needs to be painted on a sign. Could be a good auction item...

Oh, when will I learn?