When your YES means NO

Sometimes, when you give God a big “yes” all you can hear is the thousands of little “no’s” that you have to say to honor the “yes”. 

For us those “no’s” have looked like: no having babies, no doing foster care, no moving, saying no to 3 jobs in preparing to leave to go get our boy,  no to approximately 1,457 commitments over the last 3 years because “we may not be here”. It has looked a lot like, hurry up and wait. It has required us to say no to caring for other kids in need of a forever family. 

Some “no’s” were harder then others. Some quite literally have broken my heart. And yet, we’ve been holding tightly to the “yes” we gave God 3 years ago, trusting that the “no’s” would be worth it in the end. The last few weeks have been pretty full of bad news. We have gotten a few more updates, most of which have not been positive and none of which we are able to share in this forum. We’ve had to circle back around to the the question of, will it still be worth it if the end doesn’t look like what we had hoped?

Will all those no’s come back with a vengeance when we get to the end of this chapter and it doesn’t end with a family of three? 

And while my mind won’t waver on the truth that God is just as good and just as sovereignregardless of the outcome, my heart wrestles with that truth daily in the way I choose my attitude in response to this increasingly difficult circumstance. 

I want to be thankful. “…give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” and yet, there are many days when I have to work really hard to find things to be grateful about within the walls of this particular situation. We’ve been reluctantly rejoicing that Little Man knows, because now the uncertainty and the wait affects him differently then it did before.  And God forbid, he doesn’t get to become a McCallister, I can’t imagine the pain and loss he would have to go through at losing yet another family and now having to be on his own, alone. 

When we said YES, we simultaneously said NO to being in control and getting to write the pages of our story. We became the characters in the story, not the author. There’s a helplessness that comes with literally having no say or no impact over the decisions being made for you and about your family and your future. 

And while that reality can be overwhelming and terrifying, it is in those moments I have to choose to go back to the truth my mind won’t waver from which is that we serve the same good God in the midst of every yes and every no. 

You can pray for a miracle, pray for movement and favor, pray for those in charge making decisions, pray for Little Man's heart in this uncertainty and pray for us that we would have mustard seed faith each day and choose to be grateful in each circumstance.