A hard conversation

Dear friends, 

Can we have a hard conversation? One where there is complete honesty spoken from a place of intimacy shared among close friends? My intention is the same with this post as it is with every other thing we’ve posted on here for the world to see and that is simply: to honestly and vulnerably pull back the curtain into our worlds, and more specifically our hearts and minds, as we journey down this road the Lord has sovereignly set us upon.  So please don’t read this as berating or complaining because I have sat on this for so long that this is more of a reflection than a reaction.

Throughout this journey we have had many people assume many things. One of the most predominant assumptions is that we are adopting because we have fertility issues. Which is an understandable conclusion as many people in our stage of life without children who adopt do struggle with infertility. We chose to adopt first because this is what we believe God has called us to do. He made it very clear that this was the way he wanted us to start our family. And so we began this process. We have not struggled with infertility. Yet, as our wait has lingered on, some well meaning people have made comments advising us not to wait too long to “have our own” or have subtly (and not so subtly) asked us if we are going to start trying while we wait. People have tried to encouraged us by saying that maybe once we bring Daniel home we will get pregnant, as if in some way our “obedience” in adoption will be “rewarded” with a baby. Others have flat out told us we should have a baby.

I get it.  The way we’re building our family is unorthodox. Adoption. A teenager. International. It’s strange. But please hear me when I say that growing your family through adoption is in no way a “lesser” way of making of family. Adoption is not second place or a backup plan. It’s simply what we believe is God’s plan for our life. And we want His A plan, even if it’s hard, even if it’s confusing, and even if it’s uncomfortable. 

So dear friends, when we hear the implication that we are wasting our time waiting for this child my heart grieves. Not at the implication that we’re being ignorant or passive in “wasting time” but because of the worldview behind it that indicates having a baby is superior or better then adopting. The implication that the time we’ve spent in our journey to bring our son home is less valuable then if we had spent that time trying to get pregnant or doing fertility treatments. I’m not saying those things are wrong. I am saying that every child’s life has value. Every child deserves a family. And while foster care and adoption are never ideal because they both start from a place of brokenness and loss, they are not lesser ways of starting a family. We’re not settling for second best, we’ve chosen to prayerfully consider and obey God’s best for us.

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P.S. If by chance you are reading this and have said something along these lines to us, please do not feel bad or that this is directed towards you. I hope you are not angry that I have not said something to you directly.  I am a big believer in talking directly to people and not posting grievances on the internet so please know that this is not my intention. In fact, there are many times when things are said that I’m just processing in the moment and it’s not until many days or even weeks later that I am able to put into words my heart on the matter.  The Lord has used each conversation to prod me to reflect more and deeply on our journey and His truth and it is that perspective that I wish to share with others.